October is Pregnancy and infant loss month, so to honor it, I will make a list of very, very stupid things I have been said after a loss that should never ever be said to a grieving mother.
Seriously, take notes.
Oh, Miscarriages are common in the first trimester.
While we KNOW it's true...it doesn't make it hurt less. Using this sentence is a real slap in the face...think of it as a " Oh, it's not bad really, happens all the time." NEWSFLASH: It is bad. It does hurt. It is still a child that passed away, even if he was just alive in our womb. It was alive and that is all we needed to know to feel love for it. I know you mean that as comforting...but trust me, it is not.
I know what you are going trough.
No, you dont. Simply because not everyone is the same. Simply because we do not deal with things the same way. You may have lived a similar situation but you can't know how I feel and what I am going trough. Once again, this is said in sympathy, I get it. I was guilty of saying that before too, when I didn't know better. It is not comforting though. It is infuriating.
You were barely pregnant, get over it!
Do I need to explain why this one is stupid? Seriously. Gee, thanks! ( And yes, someone actually told me that one haha. Woo.)
When I had mine( miscarriage), I did not cry as much.
As stated above, not everyone grieves the same. If the mother feels the need to cry, by all means let her. It means she is comfortable enough around you to actually let you see her sensitive side and trusts you enough to share her vulnerability with you.
Now here is a list of what to say and do for a person who just had a miscarriage.
Let the mother cry, vent, yell or just talk. She needs it. She needs someone to for once shut up and just listen to her instead of someone trying to tell her how she should be acting.
As simple as that. Just be there if she needs a hug, help around the house, extra kleenex or a huge tub of ice cream.( She is more likely to share said Ice Cream...unless she is me. But that is because I am a fat ass and love ice cream too much.)
Take her out
Get her out of her house and do something fun. Whatever it is. Oh she might start talking about her baby and her pregnancy. She might cry...but do option one and two.
"So, How was your day?"
That simple. Ask her how she is. Ask her how her day went. If she needs help. Ask her anything but with sincerity and interest. Have a mundane discussion. Even if you want to know about the miscarriage, don't ask. If she wants to tell you, she will.