Wednesday, October 16, 2013

For October 15th...

I do not like remembering my son.
Not now.
I still wake up at nights with my pillow soaked by my tears. February 13th will mark two years since he passed away at 14 weeks gestation.
Unexpectedly, too.
3 weeks earlier I had an ultrasound and everything was fine, perfect.
He was moving around in there, wiggling vigourously.

I wrote a little something after he passed, to help me cope. I thought I would share.

I didn't miscarry. I most definitely not had a spontaneous abortion. I gave birth. Gave birth way too early and to a baby that was already sleeping. He was alive inside my womb for 14 weeks so please...don't talk about him like he wasn't a person. He was my son, the little brother Ludo will never have a chance to grow up with. He has a name too. His name is Augustin so stop calling him with little pet names like little shrimp or little bean like he was never a baby. He was my son, my baby. The one I will never be able to hold, kiss, nurse, cuddle and see grow up. The one I will never have the chance to vent about because he kept me up all night. The one who will never pee on me during a diaper change. The one I will never hear laugh, cry or scream. The one I will never be able to be proud of. The son I will never know. The son I will always miss.
So please. Keep your words of cheap wisdom to yourself. Keep your God talk to yourself. A mother should never have to grieve the loss of her child. Please, stop telling me that it was for the best, that everything happens for a reason. It doesn't. Please, stop telling me to stop crying and get over it because it shouldn't be that hard, that I shouldn't be so attached because he wasn't there for long. True, you might have lost a baby too...but who are you to tell me how I should or shouldn't feel? Who are you to decide for me the level of love I should have for my own child?
Augustin, mommy loved you since the moment I saw that second line on the test. Sure, I was confused and scared but never doubt mommy loved you. Mommy still does. Everyday Mommy will love you. You're in my heart until the day I shall leave this earth. Thank you for giving your life to most probably save mine. Your big brother will be thankful for that when he will be old enough to realize. Please sweet little angel, look after him from wherever you are, keep him safe because mommy can't lose the both of you.
Please people, let me grieve at my own pace and let me deal with this like I want to. Stop trying to rush things and push me towards steps I am not ready to take yet. I am fine, really I am. Just heartbroken. I will get better. In time. My own.

I am better now. I am even able to see that his passing was for the best.
Still, I miss him. Every day. Every time I hold his baby sister. Something is missing in my arms. My friends got me a bracelet with his name and date of birth engraved on it. I love it and wear it proudly. I miss you, son. Thanks for looking out for us.

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