Friday, September 13, 2013

When everyone is getting their BFP but you...

We've all been there. The morning you get your XXXth BFN (insert number here) and you log onto social media for a bit of cheering up...and all you seem to find is everyone else's BFP or pregnancy announcements or parenting woes.

It's tough. It's heart breaking, and sometimes it doesn't feel like you'll get through it. But you will, I promise.

So here are some helpful tips that, although they won't take away the ache, they might help get you through those dark moments:

#1 – Grieve. Take a moment to let it all out. You have every right to feel sad and lost and confused. Don't ignore your emotions - acknowledge and appreciate them. You're having them for a good reason. Let it out.

#2 – Avoid the situation. I know, you can't avoid life...but if you KNOW someone is going to announce something, or blab endlessly about their pregnancy/children and it's hard for you to be around them – then try to limit your contact. Good friends will understand, just let them know it's hard for you and you need a bit of space. If you're dreading a baby shower and you don't think you can keep it together - come up with a thoughtful way to not go. Say you're not feeling well (you probably aren't anyway), and don't go. Putting ourselves through these situations when all it does is hurt us is not necessary.

#3 – Do something. If you feel particularly sad or overwhelmed or emotional and you just can't get out of the funk – keep busy. Find something to do, and do it. The busier your hands are, and the less you will dwell on it.

#4 – Don't compare - remember that every situation is different. Sometimes when we see someone who doesn't have as good a job as we do, or as nice a house, or doesn't seem to have as good a relationship as we do – we can be overcome with jealousy and anger that they get to have children and we struggle. No amount of wondering and stressing and crying will change the situation, so it's really important to try and remember that we don't know everything about their situation. Just because they seem to be in a worse place than us doesn't mean they are and doesn't mean that they don't deserve children. Their situation is completely unique to them, as ours is to us. Comparing other women to yourself is comparing apples to oranges, it will never be fair because they're just too different.

#5 – Build support. I know this is hard sometimes, but that’s why this blog is here. Support is critical – in both good and bad times. Especially when the support is from people who have gone through something similar to you. Having someone to talk to when you're overwhelmed or stressed is so important. You need to know you're not alone.

#6 – Be kind to yourself. Don't say anything to yourself that you wouldn't say to a three year old. Treat yourself kindly. This is a tough thing to go through. You deserve a bit of slack. Jealousy, anger, frustration, sadness, fear – these are all normal emotions that we've all experienced on our TTC journey. It's tough enough on it's own, don't make it worse by being unkind to yourself as well. Love yourself and be kind, because you've been through enough.

Overall, just be conscious and caring about what you're feeling. It is tough to go through infertility...especially when social media and the press seem to put such a spotlight on procreating. So be kind to yourself and give yourself time, and a little extra love. You deserve it.

Quote: Unknown. Photo: Rachel at A Little Bit More


  1. Great post Rachel! We've all been there and it's definitely important to put your own well being first.

  2. Thanks! This was the one thing I couldn't google to find out a way to help with it when I was first going through infertility...and it was also the biggest surprise to me at how bad it feels. So I figured it might assist someone new, or someone who hasn't figured it out yet, to get through those tougher moments!

  3. I never thought my parenting woes would negatively affect someone else! I believe every parent wants away from their children sometimes. Maybe I should look more before I leap.

  4. Love this! Especially "Be Kind to Yourself". Its so much easier to talk bad to ourselves.

  5. Christina, I think we all understand and accept that parents have their woes and definitely need (and deserve) time away from their kids. I know I do! We don't expect them to censor what they say. I think it's more about assessing where were are emotionally and trying to avoid things like that if it will hurt. We can't expect the world to be ultra-sensitive to our feelings of course, at least not universally. But it can be a reminder to us all to keep things like that to ourselves around anyone we know is struggling with fertility. Thanks for you comment!


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