Hormones/Additives and PCOS

When I was initially diagnosed with PCOS, I was referred to a specialist who creates nutritional plans to assist PCOS patients in getting their health under control and losing weight. During my time seeing her, there were a couple huge things I learned - never drink juice, always eat a protein with a sugar, and steer clear of any kind of hormones or additives.

It was the last one that really changed my world. To be honest, I had been so focused on my bodies inability to create and process hormones that I didn't stop to consider that the additional hormones I consume may also have it all out of whack. Now, although this idea is controversial (as so much of PCOS is, due to lack of research), it is definitely food for thought. I removed gluten as well as most other hormones and additives from my diet - basing it solely on meat, fruit and veggies (all fresh). It wasn't easy, or cheap, but it has paid off in huge ways. My body seems to be operating mostly normal, and I feel 100x better than I ever have before.

It makes sense, when you think about it. If our bodies are struggling to produce and process the correct hormones to begin with, what happens when we consume food injected with the same hormones that our bodies already produce in abundance? Well, I'm not a medical expert but I would think that would result in an over abundance of those hormones. The ideal solution is avoiding foods with hormones or additives, although I know it's not always possible. Finding food that is truly organic and natural is tough and expensive. We don't all have those resources or accessibility. We certainly don't all have the money. But there are a few things you can do to protect yourself and keep your body as natural as possible:

#1 - Avoid low grade, low quality meat. It's tough when you're on a budget, but the lower the quality/grade and the cheaper the meat is, the more its been processed. Try to get the best quality you can, or organic where possible. You'll have to do some research though - just because it says organic, doesn't mean it is.

#2 - Read labels (Probably the most important!). Read make-up labels, lotion labels, food labels. Know what your putting on or in your body. Lowering exposure to more than just hormones will help your body all around and make it feel pretty good.

#3 - Research meat companies. Find out what they use, how they use it, what kind of meat they sell, etc. 

#4 - Go local. I recommend going local with everything you buy. It's not always easy, but in the long run it's cheaper and healthier. You can arrange a meeting with a farmer, go out and look at his farm and ask all those important questions, and then for a couple hundred dollars buy a portion of a cow that you can freeze and use all year. Your money is going towards his family, and you're getting something you can be proud to feed your family. Your body and heart will feel good. **If you are in a position to raise and butcher your own meat, do it. It's the only way you can be sure of what you're putting in your body!

#5 - Go wild. If you like it, or can learn to like it, try some wild game. You can be sure it's free of antibiotics and hormones, and it's still tasty. It's even cheaper if you know someone who will hunt it for you or can hunt it yourself.

#6 - Only eat items with ingredients that you recognize. If most of the ingredient list are words you've never heard of, maybe you should avoid it. Stick with foods that have fewer ingredients, and mostly things you know to be food. If your crackers have only three food ingredients on a list of twenty, your body probably won't be able to process it.

Even if you can just lower your current exposure to hormones and additives, it will help. The less chemicals we put into our body, the better our bodies will function on doing what they do best.

**** Please note: This is based on my personal experience only. It's not backed by medical knowledge or experience. ****

Struggles

What do you do to take care of yourself when you are struggling with the emotions of infertility?

I'm having a hard time today so I'd love to hear your suggestions!  I was ok until I had down time to think about where I am right now.

Obviously writing is one thing that helps me get out the negative energy.  How about you?

Mythbusters

There are a lot of myths regarding fertility.  What are the myths you have heard?  Are there things you have heard but you aren't sure whether they are fact or fiction?  Let us know!

Attain Fertility has a post regarding myths of male fertility.

You can read that here:  Boxers or Briefs?

TGIF!!!

Thank you

A big thank you to Mandy, Kelly, Amy, and Rachel for sharing their stories last week for remembrance day.  I thought each story was beautiful and touching and when I lit my candle, I thought of your babies along with all the babies we celebrated that day. Thank you for sharing.  And to those who felt the losses silently, my love and thoughts were with you as well.  As I read blog post upon blog post last year in honor of the days, I was blown away all over again by this community we are all apart of. So much love, so much loss.  My heart was breaking and overflowing with pride simultaneously. 

Truly, it was a day to remember, in every way.

For October 15th...

I do not like remembering my son.
Not now.
I still wake up at nights with my pillow soaked by my tears. February 13th will mark two years since he passed away at 14 weeks gestation.
Unexpectedly, too.
3 weeks earlier I had an ultrasound and everything was fine, perfect.
He was moving around in there, wiggling vigourously.

I wrote a little something after he passed, to help me cope. I thought I would share.

I didn't miscarry. I most definitely not had a spontaneous abortion. I gave birth. Gave birth way too early and to a baby that was already sleeping. He was alive inside my womb for 14 weeks so please...don't talk about him like he wasn't a person. He was my son, the little brother Ludo will never have a chance to grow up with. He has a name too. His name is Augustin so stop calling him with little pet names like little shrimp or little bean like he was never a baby. He was my son, my baby. The one I will never be able to hold, kiss, nurse, cuddle and see grow up. The one I will never have the chance to vent about because he kept me up all night. The one who will never pee on me during a diaper change. The one I will never hear laugh, cry or scream. The one I will never be able to be proud of. The son I will never know. The son I will always miss.

So please. Keep your words of cheap wisdom to yourself. Keep your God talk to yourself. A mother should never have to grieve the loss of her child. Please, stop telling me that it was for the best, that everything happens for a reason. It doesn't. Please, stop telling me to stop crying and get over it because it shouldn't be that hard, that I shouldn't be so attached because he wasn't there for long. True, you might have lost a baby too...but who are you to tell me how I should or shouldn't feel? Who are you to decide for me the level of love I should have for my own child?

Augustin, mommy loved you since the moment I saw that second line on the test. Sure, I was confused and scared but never doubt mommy loved you. Mommy still does. Everyday Mommy will love you. You're in my heart until the day I shall leave this earth. Thank you for giving your life to most probably save mine. Your big brother will be thankful for that when he will be old enough to realize. Please sweet little angel, look after him from wherever you are, keep him safe because mommy can't lose the both of you.

Please people, let me grieve at my own pace and let me deal with this like I want to. Stop trying to rush things and push me towards steps I am not ready to take yet. I am fine, really I am. Just heartbroken. I will get better. In time. My own.

I am better now. I am even able to see that his passing was for the best.

Still, I miss him. Every day. Every time I hold his baby sister. Something is missing in my arms. My friends got me a bracelet with his name and date of birth engraved on it. I love it and wear it proudly. I miss you, son. Thanks for looking out for us.

Remembering Butterfly

Today is a day put aside in remembrance.  A day to stop everything in our hectic lives and remember the babies we have lost.  It's a day to think of the sweet babies that were taken too soon, the pregnancies that ended before their time, and the angels born asleep.

Like Rachel, my loss took the form of an early miscarriage (I share her hatred for the term "chemical pregnancy").  My husband and I had been trying for over a year to conceive our second child.  My doctor was just getting ready to refer me to a reproductive endocrinologist.  We were trying one last month on our own.

A good friend of mine in the TTC community had just found out she was pregnant with her second child.  We'd "met" on an online forum and discovered that not only did we live in the same town, but that our children were born just two days apart.  Then we found out that they were born in the same hospital AND her mother had been my nurse!  We had talked for months about how great it would be to be pregnant together, to be "due date buddies".  When she got her BFP, I wanted so badly to follow her!  My TWW crept along.  I took a test and didn't see anything.  I posted a picture online (do all TTCers take pictures of their peesticks?  It's not just me, right?) and a few people with much better eyesight than I have been blessed with thought they saw a little something.

The next morning, I tested again.  This time I could see it too!  It was very faint, but it was positive!  My husband and I were over the moon!  It was the day before Father's Day and we were ecstatic to receive such a gift!  My friend and I were going to have both children the same age and we couldn't have been happier!

But that happiness, that heavenly feeling, was short-lived.

The day after my BFP, I took another test and was pleased to see a darker line, but disappointed that my digital test was negative.  I reminded myself that digital tests aren't a sensitive, it was probably just too early.  That afternoon, I noticed a tiny bit of spotting when I used the restroom.  I was nervous immediately, but I kept telling myself that bleeding isn't uncommon in the first trimester.  I reached out to my friend, who said the same thing.  It would be okay. It just had to be okay.

The next morning, I didn't take a test.  Maybe part of me just didn't want to know.  I felt alright, I was even having some symptoms already, and I hadn't had any more spotting overnight.  I went to work and started looking for an OB.  I called and made an appointment, even chatting anxiously with the nurse about how I'd had a little spotting and was just so nervous and excited.  She reassured me that it's normal, it's probably nothing, don't worry unless it's heavy or accompanied by cramping.

Monday afternoon I noticed a little more spotting.  By Tuesday morning I couldn't avoid it any longer, I took another test and my heart sank.  The line was light, extremely light.  I took another test, but got the same result.  In complete denial, I decided maybe they were a bad batch of tests, so I took my last remaining test, a digital.  Negative.  Tears immediately sprang to my eyes, but I pushed them back.  I picked up my phone and called into work, then called the OBs office where I'd scheduled an appointment. They agree to have me come in for a blood test.  The day seemed to go in slow motion.  Drive to the doctor's office.  Don't look at the pregnant bellies.  Don't look at the adorable toddlers and infants in the waiting room.  Go to the lab.  Have blood drawn.  Go home. Put feet up. Drink water.  Ignore the cramping.  Don't think about the bleeding--it's bleeding now, not just spotting.  Go online, read message of support from my friends--Don't give up!  It's not over!  Go to bed to escape.

The next morning, I texted my boss telling him I'd be late.  I waited for a call, but I didn't make it very far before I cracked and called to beg for my results, even though I already knew.

"We got your test results in.  You were never pregnant. Your HCG level was only 3.  If you had been pregnant, it would still be higher."

 I couldn't even think.  I saw those perfect pink lines.  I felt the symptoms, the breast tenderness, the gas, I FELT PREGNANT.  She had to be wrong.

I realized later that she was.  It was a callous thing to say, and obviously not true.  False negative pregnancy tests aren't possible.  She only managed to make me feel worse as I dissolved into tears at a loss she didn't even recognize.

I told my husband and my mother.  I cried.  I told my son, who wasn't quite 2 1/2, but knew mommy had a baby in her belly and knew mommy was sad.  I cried.  I got up, got dressed, drove to work.  I cried.  I told my boss.  I cried.  I worked, desperate to concentrate on anything else.  I cried any time anyone asked how I was.  They didn't know, but I cried, so I had to explain. As the hours and days went on, I found that sharing helped. I ended up sharing my loss with more people than I'd been able to share my joy with.

Many people probably didn't understand my grief. I had only known I was pregnant for four days.  But I wanted a baby so badly, and as soon as I saw those two pink lines I wanted THAT baby.  I was devastated that I would never know my baby, never get to see my baby grow and learn.  My heart broke to think I'd never hold that baby in my arms. 

Since I didn't know if my baby was a boy or a girl, I've always simply thought of him or her as Butterfly.  I've always adored butterflies and they've always held a great deal of significance to me.  I felt like this beautiful little spirit flitted into my life for such a breif time, and since butterflies are thought to only live a short time, it seems fitting. 

So tonight at 7:00 pm, I lit a candle for all the sweet babies lost too soon.  And I lit another one for my Butterfly.

Remembering Fred

Hi, I am Kelly aka KelBel from Tales from Our Yellow Brick Road. I finally found a few minutes where I can contribute to the blog. I am so happy Melissa asked me to join and so glad I am finally able to add something.

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. One year ago this is the post I wrote titled "Ironic" http://ouryellowbrickrd.blogspot.com/2012/10/ironic.html.

We marked October 15th, 2012 with our fourth loss...it was one of the toughest losses. Both my husband, J, and I attribute that to it being an IVF pregnancy. We were so involved with everything from the very beginning. Each of our losses has hurt us to the core, but there was something different about this one...we knew IVF was our last chance at having a biological child and I had pushed to use my own eggs despite knowing that I suffer from a chromosomal disorder.

Despite the fact that I am in a very different place this October 15th I don't forget the losses and the babies that I lost. Each pregnancy holds a special place in my heart and I'll never forgot those special weeks where we had so much hope. To commemorate our losses I wear a chain with 4 Pan.dora charms on it. I have 2 butterflies for the first two pregnancies, a silver heart for the 3rd and a charm with mother of pearl hearts for the 4th. The silver heart is because we heard the heartbeat just the day before we lost the pregnancy. We commemorated "Fred" with the mother of pearl heart charm because it almost looks like it flickers in the sunlight. It reminds me of when we were able to see Fred's heartbeat on the ultrasounds.

Tonight I'll be lighting my candle to remember the losses that I suffered and to remember the losses we have all suffered during this journey.