In honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month...my miscarriage story

This is a post about a month ago that I wrote as a guest post for a blogger friend (Risa @ Who Shot Down My Stork).  It's my miscarriage story:

When I saw that Risa was looking for guest bloggers I jumped at the chance for two reasons. The first reason is that, though she already knows, I wanted to remind Risa that she is not alone in this.  The second reason is that I am passionate about infertility.  It's more enjoyable to talk to others who will listen than it is to talk to myself.

Let me share with you my story.  My husband and I met on a float trip back in 2007.  As I got to know him I knew this was someone special.  I'm lucky he felt the same way, and in June 2011 we were married.  In August of that year we decided to try having a baby.  I had a feeling the job might not be too easy. What I didn't know was how immensely hard the job would be.  I have PCOS, which is an endocrine disorder that interferes with insulin and hormone levels causing all kinds of fun issues in a woman's body, including being overweight, acne, unwanted hair, and infertility due to anovulation.  

I started off with my OBGYN, who prescribed Clomid and timed intercourse. When after two months on Clomid 50mg I did not ovulate, my doctor referred me to a reproductive endocrinologist, who is a doctor specializing in infertility.  It took going to an RE to get the PCOS diagnosed officially, even though the signs were obvious.  I was referred to one RE, but was not satisfied with that office, so eventually we switched to the clinic I am at now.  So far we have tried a total of 7 cycles of Clomid.  I do ovulate on 150mg.  I also found out in December that not only can I ovulate, I can get pregnant. We had our first BFP (big fat positive in infertility language).

Sitting here typing this, I'm feeling this flood of emotions.  Seven months later and, though I am past the tough grieving stages, I'm still deeply affected.  I was supposed to wait until 14DPO to take a pregnancy test but I knew something was different.  I can't totally place why, but I just knew, so on 13DPO I took a test and sure enough I saw my first ever positive pregnancy test.  I was in shock.  I happened to be off work that week so the first thing I did was go to the store and buy something to use to tell my husband our news. I had thought about this before, how I would tell him he was going to be a daddy.  But, suddenly nothing seemed good enough.  It had to be special.  It had to be just right.  Walking down the aisles of Target, it came to me.

You see, something about me that you wouldn't know if you don't know me is that I love shoes.  And I have a lot.  And my husband picks on me for this.  So when I passed the women's shoes I saw a pair of cute leopard print flats. I bought those, a pair of newborn boots, and pink and blue tissue paper. I came home and took the women's shoes out of the box and put the tissue paper in first, then the two little bitty boots that our sweet little one would wear. I was so anxious for him to get home and when he did I casually gave him the box to show him the new shoes I bought.  When he rolled his eyes I promised him he would like them and that they were worth the purchase.  He opened the box while I was anxiously smiling and giddy standing next to him.  It took him a minute to catch on to the message, but I'll never forget the look on his face when he did.  He had the biggest eyes, a giant smile, and he said, 'We did it?!"  Yes, my love, we did it.  We sat on the couch curled up in each other and we talked about everything husbands and wives talk about when the are expecting.  Yes, we even talked about names.  We had our little piece of heaven.

That was a Monday.  I called the RE's office the next day and we scheduled my first beta for Wednesday.  When we got those results back, we were told the number was low (15), but that it could just be a "late implanter."  They had me go back in 48 hours wanting to see that number double, which it did, but barely.  The next beta stayed the same.  That's when we were told it was over.  I had started bleeding around that time so I wasn't surprised.  I had to do about 7-8 betas because my hcg was not going down.  Eventually I had to go for an ultrasound.  At this point I would have been about 7 weeks pregnant.  At the ultrasound they found a small empty sac measuring about 4 weeks.  Since there was still a sac I had to take a medication that the doctor inserted to complete the miscarriage. The whole process from start to finish took about a month for the beta to come back down to zero.  I now have a permanent note in my file that I see every time I go to the RE office.  The note says, "Abnormal product of conception".  How's that for a punch in the gut.

What I've learned is that all women experience different feelings about miscarriage and different ways to deal with it.  Our loss was very early. We didn't even get to the first ultrasound.  We didn't get to hear the heartbeat.  We never gave that baby a name.  Heck we didn't even get to tell our families before it was over.  I never felt attached to our baby.  I guess I was still in shock and went straight from that to sadness.  Sometimes I feel guilty that I was detached from the pregnancy itself.  Like I was never pregnant at all.  But that's the funny thing about grief.  When I think about that time in our lives I think less about the pregnancy and more about the process I had to go through to completely miscarry.  In all honesty, I just wanted it to be over so we could start trying again.  At that point we had been trying to have a baby for a year and a half and I didn't want to waste anymore time.  It took us three months for my body to recover so we could try again.  If I'm not reliving that process, I'm reliving the moment that I told my husband about the pregnancy and then about the miscarriage.

For myself to be in this emotional pain is one thing, but to see the tears in my husband's eyes is gut wrenching.  Sometimes I feel like I did something wrong.  How could I build him up and then tear him back down like that??  Yes, I know it's not my fault, but the mind makes us think irrationally sometimes.  But my husband, you see, he is the best person I know.  Our infertility is because of me, but it's ours to deal with together.  Yet on the days that I am weak, he stands tall and strong. One day I just want to switch places with him so I can stand tall and strong for him.  Husbands hurt though this too and I want everyone to know this.

I wonder at times if I did something to cause the miscarriage.  Do I need to lose more weight?  Did I inhale too many fumes when I painted the living room?  Should I have stopped running?  Did the day I forgot take my medication make this happen?  When I have these thoughts I have to remind myself that I am not to blame.  I believe in God.  I have faith in His plan for us.  This was not our time.  

I have been thinking the last two years of what God's purpose for all of this is.  I know now that there is at least one reason why this is our story.  Infertility has enlightened me and answered what I have been trying to answer for some time.  What am I destined to do as a career?  As I said before, I'm passionate about infertility.  I understand the emotions behind it and what it can do to a marriage (ours has been strengthened but others are not so lucky).  I'm also passionate about mental health.  I'm halfway done with supervision to become a licensed clinical social worker.  Currently, I do crisis counseling but my goal is to move towards having a practice for infertility therapy.  I have a ways to go to achieve this, but I am excited because for the first time in my life I know what I am going to do. And I owe that to this story.

So fast forward to where we are now.  It has been two years and two months since we started trying to have a baby.  I have done a total of 7 cycles of Clomid and 2 cycles of Femara with timed intercourse.  The miscarriage was our only pregnancy.  We're currently taking a break and then moving onto IUI.

If you are still with me, thank you for connecting with me through my story.  If you, yourself, are in the trenches of infertility or loss, please know you are not alone. Remember that you are more than just infertility/loss. Don't let that one thing define you.  You are strong. You got this.

Hakuna Matata,

Mandy

A Silent Loss

There are many types of loss. Some involve the loss of someone naturally or due to illness or injury. Some happen in old age, while others in early years. Some even happen silently, almost without notice.

That's a chemical pregnancy – or, as I prefer to call it, an early miscarriage. It happens silently in your body, without much sign or symptom, almost as though it's not happening at all.

Some people argue that the less you anticipate a pregnancy, or the shorter your pregnancy, the less it hurts. Some people think miscarriage is nothing to grieve at all, whether it's in the first two weeks, or in the last two weeks. I don't believe those people have ever experienced a miscarriage...because, if they had, I doubt they would feel that way.

For me, the hardest part of it all was the missed experiences. I didn't even know I was pregnant before I lost them. I have never had a positive pregnancy test – not one. Had I not been monitored by my doctor I'm sure I wouldn't even know I had miscarried. I never got to surprise my husband with the news, or share it with my family. All I ever got to tell them was I've lost. I sat there, wondering how someone so consumed with fertility could possibly miss those short few, precious days I was given as a mother. Those few days that I should have treasured and remembered – and I didn't even know they were there. I missed out on the only life any of my babies had, and then they were gone.

It was shocking to me how deeply hurt I was. I admit, I was one of those people who thought if you didn't know you were pregnant it couldn't hurt that bad. But I was wrong. Being in throes of infertility, every second of my life was consumed with trying to get pregnant, or fantasies of actually getting pregnant. I had dreams and plans and wishes for my future children. I had names picked out and nursery themes planned. Then, when I found out their precious lives had come and gone without my notice, I was devastated. As time went on and I began to realize I may never have a living child, I was even more devastated. Though time has lessened my pain, it is not gone. It will never be gone.

No loss is easy to bear. No loss is painless. No loss is forgettable. They all leave a footprint on our hearts, and an ache in our chest. Some of the footprints are larger than others, but they're all there. All just as deep, all just as clear. 

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

In October 1988, President Ronald Reagan established October as National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, with October 15th specifically set aside for a remembrance day.  He said, "When a child loses his parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses her or his partner, the are called a widow or widower. When parents lose their child, there isn't a word to describe them.  This month recognizes the loss so many parents experience across the United states and around the world.  It is also mean to inform and provide resources for parents who have lost children due to miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, molar pregnancy, stillbirths, birth defects, SIDs and other causes."

I read this statement on http://www.october15th.com/.  It really resonated with me.  It's so true. There is no title for a mother or father that has lost a child.  In fact, if the couple has no surviving children, most of the time they wouldn't even be considered a parent by many people, especially in the case of a miscarriage.  How terribly wrong.  Losing a child is a pain that is beyond compare.  It goes against nature, against how things SHOULD be.  A parent should never have to bury their child, they should never know the pain of living without them.  Maybe it's silly to say, we all know it happens all the time.  But you would think that an awful thing like this would at least have a name.

In October, the online community of those effected by pregnancy and infant loss comes together to recognize all the babies we have lost.  Whether lost only a few days after conception or after several months of life, we remember our lost babies. 

This October I remember the baby I lost far too soon.  The baby I'd wanted so badly, gone almost before I knew I had it.  I grieve for what might have been.  I wonder if my baby was a boy or a girl, what he or she would have been like. 

I also grieve for my mother's first child, the sister I never met, who died at only five months. 

I grieve for every mother and father that has lost a child.  There are far too many of us. 

Throughout the month of October, our contributors will share their stories of loss on this blog.  I would like to invite all of our readers to do the same.  You can submit your stories via our contact form, or send an email to askaninfertile at yahoo dot com and I will post them here.  You can chose to remain anonymous if you would prefer. 

At 7:00 pm on October 15, candles will be lit around the world in remembrance of our lost children.  Let's share our stories.  We can honor all of the angels gone too soon.

What to never say to someone who just had a miscarriage.

October is Pregnancy and infant loss month, so to honor it, I will make a list of very, very stupid things I have been said after a loss that should never ever be said to a grieving mother.

Seriously, take notes.

Oh, Miscarriages are common in the first trimester.

While we KNOW it's true...it doesn't make it hurt less. Using this sentence is a real slap in the face...think of it as a " Oh, it's not bad really, happens all the time." NEWSFLASH: It is bad. It does hurt. It is still a child that passed away, even if he was just alive in our womb. It was alive and that is all we needed to know to feel love for it. I know you mean that as comforting...but trust me, it is not.

I know what you are going trough.

No, you dont. Simply because not everyone is the same. Simply because we do not deal with things the same way. You may have lived a similar situation but you can't know how I feel and what I am going trough. Once again, this is said in sympathy, I get it. I was guilty of saying that before too, when I didn't know better. It is not comforting though. It is infuriating.

You were barely pregnant, get over it!

Do I need to explain why this one is stupid? Seriously. Gee, thanks! ( And yes, someone actually told me that one haha. Woo.)

When I had mine( miscarriage), I did not cry as much.

As stated above, not everyone grieves the same. If the mother feels the need to cry, by all means let her. It means she is comfortable enough around you to actually let you see her sensitive side and trusts you enough to share her vulnerability with you.

Now here is a list of what to say and do for a person who just had a miscarriage.

Listen

Let the mother cry, vent, yell or just talk. She needs it. She needs someone to for once shut up and just listen to her instead of someone trying to tell her how she should be acting.

Be there

As simple as that. Just be there if she needs a hug, help around the house, extra kleenex or a huge tub of ice cream.( She is more likely to share said Ice Cream...unless she is me. But that is because I am a fat ass and love ice cream too much.)

Take her out

Get her out of her house and do something fun. Whatever it is. Oh she might start talking about her baby and her pregnancy. She might cry...but do option one and two.

"So, How was your day?"

That simple. Ask her how she is. Ask her how her day went. If she needs help. Ask her anything but with sincerity and interest. Have a mundane discussion. Even if you want to know about the miscarriage, don't ask. If she wants to tell you, she will.

Preparing for Appointments

When I first started my infertility journey, I had no idea what to ask or what to expect. As a result, for a long time many questions remained unanswered because...well...I wasn't asking them.

Had I asked more questions and gotten more answers, I probably would have made different decisions but to be honest - when you're in the throes of infertility and it's all so new, you're just trying to get that baby and not thinking about everything else.

If you're heading to a new appointment, or even going to a regular one, please see this link on Preparing For Your Appointment by the Mayo Clinic for suggestions on what to ask, what to provide, etc. It's a great resource, and one I wished I'd had for my first couple appointments!

Try making your own list that you can pull out at the appointment, so that everything gets covered. This journey is too personal, and too expensive, to go through it partially blind. The more answers you have, the easier you can make educated decisions!

Sunshine Award

Lisa at Amateur Nester has nominated our little blog for the Sunshine award!!  This is an award that goes to writers who brighter other people's days.  Lisa, thank you so much!  One of our goals here is definitely to brighten our readers days and give them hope on their journey!

The rules are:

• Include the Sunshine Award icon in your post
• Link to the blogger who nominated you
• Answer 10 questions about yourself
• Nominate 10 other bloggers to receive the award
• Link to your nominees and let them know you nominated them

Here are Lisa's questions for me, and my answers:

1. Why do you blog?  Well, this blog is new, but I'm definitely not new to the blogging world!  I started my personal blog almost seven years ago.  Initially, it was just a place to write, something I've always done.  It was random and silly at times.  Then it turned into a place to talk about my family and my first son.  Later it became a place to write about my journey with infertility. It's changed a lot over the year.  I blog so that I can preserve and share my special memories.  Here, I (and the rest of my contributors) blog to help others who struggle with infertility. Now it's a place to write about my new family and whatever goes with that (weight loss, etc). We want to educate and support them in any way we can and hope to do that by sharing our stories and the knowledge we have gained.
2. Cook at home or go out to eat?  I like to do both. I'm not a very good cook (not as in bad, just no very skilled), but since my mom lives with us, she usually cooks, with help from me.  I like to eat out as well, but as a woman on a diet, that can be tough, so much temptation!
3. What are you most proud of?  I am most proud of my kids, my two boys.  Being a mother is the most important thing I will ever do and I can't imagine loving my boys more.
4. What's one thing you wish you could change about yourself?  Well, the thing I'm trying to change about myself is my weight. I've always been a little overweight (okay more than a little these days) so I'm working on it. Aside from that, I wish I was more patient, a little less emotional, that's another thing I'm working on.
5. Are you an early-riser or a night-owl?  Early riser, whether I like it or not!  I don't do well with little sleep, so I'm typically in bed by 10:30 or so.
6. Favorite book of all-time?  Oh that's nearly impossible!!
7. What's one thing you want to learn how to do?  I have always wanted to learn sign language!  I know a little bit, but it's just something that has always fascinated me!  I need to take a class sometime.
8. Do you have any hidden talents?  Um...Singing maybe?  I love to sing, have always loved it, but not that many people have heard me sing, so when they do, they are surprised.  It's not something I hide on purpose, just something most people don't have the opportunity to hear me do.
9. What inspires you?  So many things!  Strength of character, emotional strength, perseverance, compassion, generosity, I could go on and on!
10. Ruffles, Lays, or Pringles?  Oh that's tough.  I rarely eat chips these days.  I do like all three!  I guess given all three I'd probably pick Pringles.  (Yes, and now I want some chips!)

 
Here are my 10 nominees:
We're a new blog and most of my contributors have already been nominated!  So basically, if you've commented here, you're nominated!  Also, because you're AWESOME!

1.  Mandy at Hakuna Matata
2.  Megs at Work is for Suckers
3.  Mama Asterisk at Mama Asterisk
4.  Cindy at My Journey Through Infertility, Pregnancy, and Loss
5.  Heather at Battlefish
6.  Caroline at In Due Time
7. Hope at A Crack In Everything
8. Kasey at Stupid Broken Eggs
9. Amber at Old Lady No Baby
10. We're new, so if you're reading this, you're nominated! 
    

My 10 questions:

1. Where did you come up with the name of your blog (this intrigues me)?
2. You have the chance to be told 5 significant events that will occur in your lifetime (what will happen and when).  Do you want to know and why?
3. If you could do any job, regardless of money or talent, what would it be?
4. What was your favorite Halloween costume when you were young?
5. Has infertility changed you?
6. What is your favorite thing about yourself?
7. You can eat one thing every day for the next month.  What is it?
8. If you had a superpower, what would it be?
9. Would you rather live one 1000 year life or ten 100 year lives?
10. What is your best piece of advice?

Thank you again Lisa!  And thanks everyone for participating!  Be sure to leave a comment so we call all read your answers!

Thank You!

Thanks to all of our commentors (and hopefully new readers) from ICLW!  I had a great time reading new blogs!  I hope you'll stick around and please be sure to send us your feedback or ideas for what you'd like to read about here!

You're all awesome!  Welcome!